Dreams

I have many dreams lately, ones where I am traveling the world with my daughter. Jamaica, Switzerland a lot of sandal resorts around the world.... The dreams are amazing, maybe it is telling me how much I have missed out on and my way of becoming close again... I know that some people think that I am crazy wanting and believing that I will win the lottery, but I believe it will happen and I know that the moment that it does I will be traveling the world with my daughter, what better way to experience everything is through her eyes... She is so amazing, so intelligent so centered in her faith that all you can be is in awe of her... her father has done an amazing job with her, and yet if you met her you would know that she is strong not just because of her father but by her faith..

So yes I dream, I dream of seeing the world with her, of learning from her, that is better then all the money in the world....

As it sits it is not that I need money, as I have never given a wit about it.. I am happy just living but I know that it would give a lot of family members a do over, to start from zero... And where they go from there is up to them... Me I am happy just seeing new things , having new experiences... Heck I am happy being away from town.. I like the trees, the quiet my life is pretty darn good... And my dreams are amazing even if they are only dreams

Lull

My life seems to be in a stale mate. I am used to traveling to working, to being productive and now it seems like my life has no meaning, no purpose.
 I live in a world that is slowly destroying itself, more taxes less military,no leadership... I feel it would almost be better if we all went back to living like they did in litte house on the prairie... Where family mattered, neighbors mattered things mattered. Now a days children are raised to be spoiled so bad that even the sound of their voices are like fingere nails down a blackboard.. What happened to the days when there were no iPods Xbox 360 Netflix and tablets what happened to playing outside and chores, to giving children a sense of responsibility instead of them getting a sense of entitlement ...
 Our world is becoming corrupt with no values, no beliefs... This is a world that is so sad to live in... Third world Countries may not have all the technology that we have but their children play outside they help their neighbors there is a sense of community a unity we no longer have here... Maybe today is just a bad day for me, so be it. It is what it is... And tomorrow I will still feel the same about how we raise our children, how we treat our neighbors and how we are as a country.

Worthy

What makes one worthy? Is it the college education, marrying the right man? Is it your status in society? If it is then I am truly unworthy, for I care nothing of these things. I like to live in my world day to day as tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I love to travel and explore new places and I hold my friends dear. It is so hard when those that I am suppose to be closest to are the ones that hurt me the most. Family is derived from the word Famila  which means relating to and yet I relate to nobody in my family. I am used as a scapegoat called a liar without anyone saying the words because the one I am talking about would NEVER lie and they chose to believe them instead... which is hilarious I never racked up your credit then kicked you out of the home. I never ask you to rescue me because I do not need to be rescued I am happy to be who I am I do not need things or want things... What I do know though is it is hard  turning the cheek all of the time.. when you just want to stand up and scream and say I am RIGHT HERE!!!! Maybe it is due to the fact that I just let people talk and do not allow people to stand up for me that these things happen.. but I feel if it isn't true why does it have to be defended... I say you can think what you want.. you can say what you want it doesn't bother me..but then that is not the whole truth.. it does hurt, it makes my heart ache and the tears flow and the whys come.. Why me? what did I do?

How can you harden yourself to these kinds of people? How can you do it without hardening yourself against life?

maybe I should have just stayed on the road.. stayed away.. maybe... maybe there is nothing that I can do.. what is just is....

Believe in YOU

Too many people in this world think that they know what is best for you, what you should be doing or how you should be acting please stop listening... I didn't make wise choices in my younger years but I will tell you that all of those choices led me to become the woman that I am today, and that woman is amazing!

I am not of the Norm I do not care to follow society and think that I should have a white picket fence a career a husband.. I get to travel I get to see places that most people never get to see in their lifetime and they can afford it.. Because I am free from what you think and what you believe I know that I can go somewhere with nothing but the backpack on my back and find a job where ever I land..

I know that most of my family thinks that I am crazy not up to their standards but where do they get these standards who made up the rules about how a person should be or shouldn't be.. What I know though is that within myself I am Happy I am free.. free from your standards free from your judgement and free to be who I am happiest being.. I am Cynthia Irene Bennett and I am proud of me..

I love to write, and one day want to write the script that my brother will star in on the big screen and if it is so it will be.. what do I do to make that happen? Well I write and I send it to the people it needs to go to then I let go it is now in the universe's hands.. do I worry? No ! I enjoyed writing the script, I loved walking every morning to Cafe Solar and watching people and writing.. i enjoyed the time I had with my brother.. See I just enjoy the moments..

I love to travel and therefore I do.. everything I do takes me in a straight line to another journey, another adventure.. why is it that I would ever want to become a prisoner of what you think or want me to do... Life is to be lived, loved, enjoyed and experienced by ME.  You will experience life the way you chose to, you will see the world the way your eyes see it.. I will see it mine..

just because a person does not conform to your way of thinking, your religion your politics it does not mean that they are wrong (or right for that matter) it just means they are their own person. My Baby brother opened my eyes to this recently that my daughter is not of the same beliefs as a lot of society but unlike most religious people SHE believes and she is dedicated to her faith..it is not something that she just has coming out of her mouth but not her actions.. NO she is the whole package and in that I am so amazed and hold the utmost respect for her... She Believes... She is an Example.. She is.. and I am so proud of her..

If you are happy with you be You don't try to be what others want you to be and be miserable.. life is way too short, be happy and cut those weights that are dragging you down.. Just say NO to those who don't stand beside you, those who want to judge.. You have the power to let go...

People

I have a really hard time understanding people.. It seems it does not matter where you have come in your life, all that you have changed or whom you have become because people are still going to hold the past over your head like a cloud. They want to keep that cloud over your head pull out the pain to get what they want from you... You can chose to allow it or not.. but someday's even though you do not want to play into it your heart is still pulled the scabs ripped open.. Some days I think why not just go back to the way that I was if this is how I am to be judged the rest of my life.. I should have stayed away and never have come back. When your someplace new they know who you are today without all the mud from the past you can be you without worries.. people wonder why I travel so much well this is why.. I am me and I can only be me if I am someplace others aren't judging me.. and at home here but you see here I am still close enough for them to make me feel bad.. Although I know only I allow those feelings to occur..

Just let me be me... I am Happy when I am Free

Gifts

Sometimes in life you get unexpected things.. I am not talking about material things but moments that touch the soul. I was talking to my ex-husband the other day and the peace he gave me over our youth was amazing. I blamed myself never had I thought that our divorce had anything to do with him but in my immaturity and my young age. So when he made amends for his part in it I felt so much love.. I have always thought that there was nothing really wrong in the men that I married except in their choice for a wife.

Now I know in life that nothing is all ones fault, two people play a part in it.. Do I wish I could have been a better wife? Yes! I still wonder at times what if? How would our children be, how much are they screwed up from our choices in life? But I also know that I can not live in what ifs or if only.. I have today I cannot correct what has already been done but I can apply what I have learned to my life and do my best not to make the same mistakes.

I wonder if it is age that makes us wiser, or if there could not be wisdom if there was no life.. without experiences what could you know what could you learn, would you still receive all the gifts and blessings that life has to offer? Or would you know nothing and in knowing nothing have nothing to offer?

Maybe I am just rambling.. today is my birthday and I am 44 years old now and would I change my past if I could? There are many things I would have liked to have done different but would I have had the same experiences, would I have missed out on people that I love that I have helped that have helped me?

There is not much in this world that I wish for.. ( I dream of winning the lottery) but there is actually nothing that I need. I am blessed in my life and do not require much to make me comfortable. I just love today any day really.. for it is not people that I need to make me happy but peace and acceptance of myself. and when someone does touch my heart it is just an added gift..

okay I am babbling, because I have been crying the loss of the puppy today so I am over this blog right now..

Manners

I used to think it weird when a person called me ma'am or when I would hear someone say yes sir, and now when I hear those words I think of that parent that took the time to teach their child respect, and I smile that somewhere there is still someone who believes in decency and respect.

I thought it odd when a man opened a door or pulled out a chair, and said I could do that for myself. It had nothing to do with me doing it for myself but had everything to do with it made me uncomfortable because I did not know how to receive such kindness.

They call it old fashioned ideas or old fashioned ways but the only reason that you call them old is because we let them fall by the way side like so many other things. Shouldn't these things be still taught today?

I remember a time when if you moved into a neighborhood that your neighbors brought you a pie to welcome you, on Sundays everyone got together and ate and the kids played in the street? How do you think society would be today if we still instilled these values in our lives, in our children? How much crime do you think there would be? How many runaways? How many kids addicted to drugs?

We have fallen by the wayside, forgotten that we are not just trying to push our way through this life but we have a world that we are leaving to our children to our grand children. how do we want to leave it?

We used to  love our neighbor, take care of them when they were sick, mow their yard if they were old.  Do you even know your neighbors name?

Life might not be "Leave it to Beaver" but we used to have values what has happened to them, have we dropped the ball somewhere? When did we stop calling our friends Mom Mrs so and so? When did our teachers lose the title of Sir?

So you see when I get those moments where someone calls me ma'me I am not offended I am delighted because I know someone somewhere took the time, someone somewhere still believes in old fashioned values...