Yet I am Blessed

My life may have started off hard after 18 but what I do know is since I changed my perspective on things it has truly been blessed. I can thank the book "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman into opening my eyes to the truth of this world. I was so overwhelmed in what had happened and in what could happen that I forgot that the day I was in was passing by, leaving again more regret. What I have learned in this life is that the only day that I have is today, the only moment is the one that I am in. So when something bad happens I need to remember that it is only a moment in time the moment will pass the same with the good it is in that moment and it to shall pass.

Life is not about always being happy or always about being sad,  it is about LIVING. What can I do today to live, what is it that I am not seeing? Why am I so engrossed in self that I do not notice the beauty that is all around me.

I have had an amazing life in the last eight years have gotten to see the beauty of Hawaii the wilderness of Alaska. I have the ability to not worry and just go, just live. I have met the most amazing people and have learned that alone I can do anything.

The time is Now, not yesterday and not tomorrow, I chose to live it love it and make the most of what I have been given. I have never wanted to be planted in one place I have always wanted to see the world, and to know that my baby wants the same thing and she is going for it makes my heart soar, to know that there is so much that she wants to do for the good is a beautiful feeling knowing that I had no part in this that it is just in her amazes me.

Every morning I like to sit and hear the world around me and be thankful for the day for the blessings and the heartache. For in the heartache I learn who I am and it molds me into what I become. Every thing in this world has a purpose and it is not for me to know what that purpose is just to know that it is.
I am happy that my daughter showed me a place to write my thoughts, my feelings. It is the best diary ever.

I am blessed even in the bad moments, I am truly truly blessed.

What I missed

I was not Mother of the year, I was one heck of a horrible parent, if I wasn't sick doing chemo or some other treatment I was just being a complete idiot and making bad choices in my life. I always made decisions on the basis that I could not be alone, the truth was I could not stand to be alone because I would be stuck with me. I did not like me and I didn't think that others would either. I always felt like I did not quite measure up and what is funny is I have no idea to whom I didn't measure up too,, my expectations maybe.  I felt like I was alone in the world and didn't quite fit in to the mold that others were in. Like I was not from this world. I spent many years of my life wasted on depression instead of on living. I allowed the bad things that happened to me be the definition to me and because of that I became my own prisoner. I regret that it took so long to snap out of my bubble.

I missed the life of my Children heck I do not even really know them, and now I don't know where to start. We are so much alike and yet I had no hand in raising them, it amazes me. I wish that you could warn your children and have them not have to go through the same lessons but then I know that is how they grow. I have much respect for my Mother and my Ex Husband that raised my beautiful daughters for they amaze me.

I cannot change the past there is no rewind button to make everything better but what I can do is make myself available when they are ready to know who I am because that is my wish is to truly know them.

Today I am almost 9 years single and have not needed another to make me feel better, today I am comfortable with myself. Today there is no depression and I have chosen to live my life and not be a prisoner to it.. today I am free. Free from the bonds of depression from the past wrongs and past pain. Today I am me and am happy in what I see. My life today is the most amazing and it can only get better.
Last night I got to talk to my youngest and find out how similar that we were, to let her know that I know that I was not the Mother she needed I got to hear my daughter through reading her words in her blog in her heart I feel blessed that she would share the most intimate parts with me. So you see there is a lot that I have missed but there is so much more life that I won't.