What I missed

I was not Mother of the year, I was one heck of a horrible parent, if I wasn't sick doing chemo or some other treatment I was just being a complete idiot and making bad choices in my life. I always made decisions on the basis that I could not be alone, the truth was I could not stand to be alone because I would be stuck with me. I did not like me and I didn't think that others would either. I always felt like I did not quite measure up and what is funny is I have no idea to whom I didn't measure up too,, my expectations maybe.  I felt like I was alone in the world and didn't quite fit in to the mold that others were in. Like I was not from this world. I spent many years of my life wasted on depression instead of on living. I allowed the bad things that happened to me be the definition to me and because of that I became my own prisoner. I regret that it took so long to snap out of my bubble.

I missed the life of my Children heck I do not even really know them, and now I don't know where to start. We are so much alike and yet I had no hand in raising them, it amazes me. I wish that you could warn your children and have them not have to go through the same lessons but then I know that is how they grow. I have much respect for my Mother and my Ex Husband that raised my beautiful daughters for they amaze me.

I cannot change the past there is no rewind button to make everything better but what I can do is make myself available when they are ready to know who I am because that is my wish is to truly know them.

Today I am almost 9 years single and have not needed another to make me feel better, today I am comfortable with myself. Today there is no depression and I have chosen to live my life and not be a prisoner to it.. today I am free. Free from the bonds of depression from the past wrongs and past pain. Today I am me and am happy in what I see. My life today is the most amazing and it can only get better.
Last night I got to talk to my youngest and find out how similar that we were, to let her know that I know that I was not the Mother she needed I got to hear my daughter through reading her words in her blog in her heart I feel blessed that she would share the most intimate parts with me. So you see there is a lot that I have missed but there is so much more life that I won't.