Why Saddness?

Sometimes I just wonder why it is that people cannot let go of their past and live in the now. Why is it that happiness cannot be achieved in this moment, if that is what you strive for in the now could you imagine all the happiness that you can string together.

I listen to the excuses, not enough money, not the right jobs, not enough stuff. I would rather count on my hands the blessing in what I do have then think about that that I do not. For maybe it is not meant to be that I am rich, that I am famous but maybe only that I am happy.

I see so many people walk around in this world so unsatisfied with where they are and what they are doing, people who forget to stop and be thankful. They are so miserable that I want to pull them into my arms and let them know that everything is okay, that in this moment that they are alright. Is it not enough to have life, health, love and family.

People that really know me know I have been through some pretty horrible events in my life, and some cannot believe that I can walk out the door. And for awhile I could not, but what I know now is that if I change the person that I am the free spirit that I am because harm came to me at one time then am I not letting the person that caused that harm win? Is not what happened to me just a moment in time as well?

 I chose to live today, I do not make a lot of money, and yet I can travel to the most beautiful places because when I do I go on faith. Faith that everything will turn out as it should be. Faith that I am always right where I am suppose to be.
I do not follow the norm, I follow my heart. I do not require much, soft toilet paper, food and a roof over my head and I am happy. Add Family to that and I am on cloud nine.

I know for me that when I live in the negative I reap the negative results but it I live in the positive so much good happens to me. Everyday is like unwrapping a present, I have no idea what is in store no idea what I could be unwrapping but I know that I want to cherish it, enjoy it, live it, feel it.

If I could ask for one thing in this life it would be for people to have the ability to actually let go of their past, not like they are casting out a line but throwing the whole dang pole in the river so they cannot reel the past back. Let it go, you cannot change it, all you can do is accept it and move on. if you didn't like it change that today do things differently..
I wish today that the ones I love could just live in this moment..

Just thinking

Ever wonder why your here? Why things happen to you? Maybe God is punishing you or you should have never been born? Well I used to think this way, there were many times that I cried out to God to please let me die, never to wake up again. I thought that the pain was so bad that I had to break. I believed that no human being could withstand so much hurt so much sadness, so much sickness. I wanted the world to end for me. I was not an asset to life I was a burden to it, what was my purpose?

My best friend put it in perspective for me. Bad things happen, and when it does if there is not someone to walk you through it your all alone, feeling desperate feeling like your at the end of your rope. But if you have someone to talk to someone who can relate it makes the journey easier. He told me that I am that person, that I have a way of talking to people of walking through things that help inspire. In sharing my experience it helps others that are going through it. Knowing I survived has given hope a light at the end of their tunnel.

So in walking through the fire I am able to give someone else only coals to bear and not the flame. In that I am thankful.

I did not live an easy life, but I put myself in those places in those situations and yet survived to come out the other side. Would I want to walk that same line again? Would in me not walking in those steps not of saved anyone? I wouldn't ever want to go through again what I went through, and yet i would Never Ever want anyone have to ever go down the same path and not have a hand to reach for. For I may not be a religious person but I believe in God and I believe that he works through people. He sends people to you at the right time. So where I thought God had to be cruel to allow bad things to happen I realized that God gave us free choice people hurt people not God but God sends people to help you walk through your ordeal or your illness or anything that your going through. What I have learned is that we are never alone, there is always someone out there that has felt the same , gone through the same, someone that understands. You would be amazed if you look around who God has put in your path to heal you or who is has put in your path for you to help heal.

Life is not defined in the bad things that happen, but you are defined in how you survive them. If bad things didn't happen I would not know what good looked like and vice versa. My life is beautiful because I have walked through the shadows and come out in the light

Yet I am Blessed

My life may have started off hard after 18 but what I do know is since I changed my perspective on things it has truly been blessed. I can thank the book "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman into opening my eyes to the truth of this world. I was so overwhelmed in what had happened and in what could happen that I forgot that the day I was in was passing by, leaving again more regret. What I have learned in this life is that the only day that I have is today, the only moment is the one that I am in. So when something bad happens I need to remember that it is only a moment in time the moment will pass the same with the good it is in that moment and it to shall pass.

Life is not about always being happy or always about being sad,  it is about LIVING. What can I do today to live, what is it that I am not seeing? Why am I so engrossed in self that I do not notice the beauty that is all around me.

I have had an amazing life in the last eight years have gotten to see the beauty of Hawaii the wilderness of Alaska. I have the ability to not worry and just go, just live. I have met the most amazing people and have learned that alone I can do anything.

The time is Now, not yesterday and not tomorrow, I chose to live it love it and make the most of what I have been given. I have never wanted to be planted in one place I have always wanted to see the world, and to know that my baby wants the same thing and she is going for it makes my heart soar, to know that there is so much that she wants to do for the good is a beautiful feeling knowing that I had no part in this that it is just in her amazes me.

Every morning I like to sit and hear the world around me and be thankful for the day for the blessings and the heartache. For in the heartache I learn who I am and it molds me into what I become. Every thing in this world has a purpose and it is not for me to know what that purpose is just to know that it is.
I am happy that my daughter showed me a place to write my thoughts, my feelings. It is the best diary ever.

I am blessed even in the bad moments, I am truly truly blessed.

What I missed

I was not Mother of the year, I was one heck of a horrible parent, if I wasn't sick doing chemo or some other treatment I was just being a complete idiot and making bad choices in my life. I always made decisions on the basis that I could not be alone, the truth was I could not stand to be alone because I would be stuck with me. I did not like me and I didn't think that others would either. I always felt like I did not quite measure up and what is funny is I have no idea to whom I didn't measure up too,, my expectations maybe.  I felt like I was alone in the world and didn't quite fit in to the mold that others were in. Like I was not from this world. I spent many years of my life wasted on depression instead of on living. I allowed the bad things that happened to me be the definition to me and because of that I became my own prisoner. I regret that it took so long to snap out of my bubble.

I missed the life of my Children heck I do not even really know them, and now I don't know where to start. We are so much alike and yet I had no hand in raising them, it amazes me. I wish that you could warn your children and have them not have to go through the same lessons but then I know that is how they grow. I have much respect for my Mother and my Ex Husband that raised my beautiful daughters for they amaze me.

I cannot change the past there is no rewind button to make everything better but what I can do is make myself available when they are ready to know who I am because that is my wish is to truly know them.

Today I am almost 9 years single and have not needed another to make me feel better, today I am comfortable with myself. Today there is no depression and I have chosen to live my life and not be a prisoner to it.. today I am free. Free from the bonds of depression from the past wrongs and past pain. Today I am me and am happy in what I see. My life today is the most amazing and it can only get better.
Last night I got to talk to my youngest and find out how similar that we were, to let her know that I know that I was not the Mother she needed I got to hear my daughter through reading her words in her blog in her heart I feel blessed that she would share the most intimate parts with me. So you see there is a lot that I have missed but there is so much more life that I won't.