Worthy

What makes one worthy? Is it the college education, marrying the right man? Is it your status in society? If it is then I am truly unworthy, for I care nothing of these things. I like to live in my world day to day as tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I love to travel and explore new places and I hold my friends dear. It is so hard when those that I am suppose to be closest to are the ones that hurt me the most. Family is derived from the word Famila  which means relating to and yet I relate to nobody in my family. I am used as a scapegoat called a liar without anyone saying the words because the one I am talking about would NEVER lie and they chose to believe them instead... which is hilarious I never racked up your credit then kicked you out of the home. I never ask you to rescue me because I do not need to be rescued I am happy to be who I am I do not need things or want things... What I do know though is it is hard  turning the cheek all of the time.. when you just want to stand up and scream and say I am RIGHT HERE!!!! Maybe it is due to the fact that I just let people talk and do not allow people to stand up for me that these things happen.. but I feel if it isn't true why does it have to be defended... I say you can think what you want.. you can say what you want it doesn't bother me..but then that is not the whole truth.. it does hurt, it makes my heart ache and the tears flow and the whys come.. Why me? what did I do?

How can you harden yourself to these kinds of people? How can you do it without hardening yourself against life?

maybe I should have just stayed on the road.. stayed away.. maybe... maybe there is nothing that I can do.. what is just is....

Believe in YOU

Too many people in this world think that they know what is best for you, what you should be doing or how you should be acting please stop listening... I didn't make wise choices in my younger years but I will tell you that all of those choices led me to become the woman that I am today, and that woman is amazing!

I am not of the Norm I do not care to follow society and think that I should have a white picket fence a career a husband.. I get to travel I get to see places that most people never get to see in their lifetime and they can afford it.. Because I am free from what you think and what you believe I know that I can go somewhere with nothing but the backpack on my back and find a job where ever I land..

I know that most of my family thinks that I am crazy not up to their standards but where do they get these standards who made up the rules about how a person should be or shouldn't be.. What I know though is that within myself I am Happy I am free.. free from your standards free from your judgement and free to be who I am happiest being.. I am Cynthia Irene Bennett and I am proud of me..

I love to write, and one day want to write the script that my brother will star in on the big screen and if it is so it will be.. what do I do to make that happen? Well I write and I send it to the people it needs to go to then I let go it is now in the universe's hands.. do I worry? No ! I enjoyed writing the script, I loved walking every morning to Cafe Solar and watching people and writing.. i enjoyed the time I had with my brother.. See I just enjoy the moments..

I love to travel and therefore I do.. everything I do takes me in a straight line to another journey, another adventure.. why is it that I would ever want to become a prisoner of what you think or want me to do... Life is to be lived, loved, enjoyed and experienced by ME.  You will experience life the way you chose to, you will see the world the way your eyes see it.. I will see it mine..

just because a person does not conform to your way of thinking, your religion your politics it does not mean that they are wrong (or right for that matter) it just means they are their own person. My Baby brother opened my eyes to this recently that my daughter is not of the same beliefs as a lot of society but unlike most religious people SHE believes and she is dedicated to her faith..it is not something that she just has coming out of her mouth but not her actions.. NO she is the whole package and in that I am so amazed and hold the utmost respect for her... She Believes... She is an Example.. She is.. and I am so proud of her..

If you are happy with you be You don't try to be what others want you to be and be miserable.. life is way too short, be happy and cut those weights that are dragging you down.. Just say NO to those who don't stand beside you, those who want to judge.. You have the power to let go...

People

I have a really hard time understanding people.. It seems it does not matter where you have come in your life, all that you have changed or whom you have become because people are still going to hold the past over your head like a cloud. They want to keep that cloud over your head pull out the pain to get what they want from you... You can chose to allow it or not.. but someday's even though you do not want to play into it your heart is still pulled the scabs ripped open.. Some days I think why not just go back to the way that I was if this is how I am to be judged the rest of my life.. I should have stayed away and never have come back. When your someplace new they know who you are today without all the mud from the past you can be you without worries.. people wonder why I travel so much well this is why.. I am me and I can only be me if I am someplace others aren't judging me.. and at home here but you see here I am still close enough for them to make me feel bad.. Although I know only I allow those feelings to occur..

Just let me be me... I am Happy when I am Free

Gifts

Sometimes in life you get unexpected things.. I am not talking about material things but moments that touch the soul. I was talking to my ex-husband the other day and the peace he gave me over our youth was amazing. I blamed myself never had I thought that our divorce had anything to do with him but in my immaturity and my young age. So when he made amends for his part in it I felt so much love.. I have always thought that there was nothing really wrong in the men that I married except in their choice for a wife.

Now I know in life that nothing is all ones fault, two people play a part in it.. Do I wish I could have been a better wife? Yes! I still wonder at times what if? How would our children be, how much are they screwed up from our choices in life? But I also know that I can not live in what ifs or if only.. I have today I cannot correct what has already been done but I can apply what I have learned to my life and do my best not to make the same mistakes.

I wonder if it is age that makes us wiser, or if there could not be wisdom if there was no life.. without experiences what could you know what could you learn, would you still receive all the gifts and blessings that life has to offer? Or would you know nothing and in knowing nothing have nothing to offer?

Maybe I am just rambling.. today is my birthday and I am 44 years old now and would I change my past if I could? There are many things I would have liked to have done different but would I have had the same experiences, would I have missed out on people that I love that I have helped that have helped me?

There is not much in this world that I wish for.. ( I dream of winning the lottery) but there is actually nothing that I need. I am blessed in my life and do not require much to make me comfortable. I just love today any day really.. for it is not people that I need to make me happy but peace and acceptance of myself. and when someone does touch my heart it is just an added gift..

okay I am babbling, because I have been crying the loss of the puppy today so I am over this blog right now..

Manners

I used to think it weird when a person called me ma'am or when I would hear someone say yes sir, and now when I hear those words I think of that parent that took the time to teach their child respect, and I smile that somewhere there is still someone who believes in decency and respect.

I thought it odd when a man opened a door or pulled out a chair, and said I could do that for myself. It had nothing to do with me doing it for myself but had everything to do with it made me uncomfortable because I did not know how to receive such kindness.

They call it old fashioned ideas or old fashioned ways but the only reason that you call them old is because we let them fall by the way side like so many other things. Shouldn't these things be still taught today?

I remember a time when if you moved into a neighborhood that your neighbors brought you a pie to welcome you, on Sundays everyone got together and ate and the kids played in the street? How do you think society would be today if we still instilled these values in our lives, in our children? How much crime do you think there would be? How many runaways? How many kids addicted to drugs?

We have fallen by the wayside, forgotten that we are not just trying to push our way through this life but we have a world that we are leaving to our children to our grand children. how do we want to leave it?

We used to  love our neighbor, take care of them when they were sick, mow their yard if they were old.  Do you even know your neighbors name?

Life might not be "Leave it to Beaver" but we used to have values what has happened to them, have we dropped the ball somewhere? When did we stop calling our friends Mom Mrs so and so? When did our teachers lose the title of Sir?

So you see when I get those moments where someone calls me ma'me I am not offended I am delighted because I know someone somewhere took the time, someone somewhere still believes in old fashioned values...

Why Saddness?

Sometimes I just wonder why it is that people cannot let go of their past and live in the now. Why is it that happiness cannot be achieved in this moment, if that is what you strive for in the now could you imagine all the happiness that you can string together.

I listen to the excuses, not enough money, not the right jobs, not enough stuff. I would rather count on my hands the blessing in what I do have then think about that that I do not. For maybe it is not meant to be that I am rich, that I am famous but maybe only that I am happy.

I see so many people walk around in this world so unsatisfied with where they are and what they are doing, people who forget to stop and be thankful. They are so miserable that I want to pull them into my arms and let them know that everything is okay, that in this moment that they are alright. Is it not enough to have life, health, love and family.

People that really know me know I have been through some pretty horrible events in my life, and some cannot believe that I can walk out the door. And for awhile I could not, but what I know now is that if I change the person that I am the free spirit that I am because harm came to me at one time then am I not letting the person that caused that harm win? Is not what happened to me just a moment in time as well?

 I chose to live today, I do not make a lot of money, and yet I can travel to the most beautiful places because when I do I go on faith. Faith that everything will turn out as it should be. Faith that I am always right where I am suppose to be.
I do not follow the norm, I follow my heart. I do not require much, soft toilet paper, food and a roof over my head and I am happy. Add Family to that and I am on cloud nine.

I know for me that when I live in the negative I reap the negative results but it I live in the positive so much good happens to me. Everyday is like unwrapping a present, I have no idea what is in store no idea what I could be unwrapping but I know that I want to cherish it, enjoy it, live it, feel it.

If I could ask for one thing in this life it would be for people to have the ability to actually let go of their past, not like they are casting out a line but throwing the whole dang pole in the river so they cannot reel the past back. Let it go, you cannot change it, all you can do is accept it and move on. if you didn't like it change that today do things differently..
I wish today that the ones I love could just live in this moment..

Just thinking

Ever wonder why your here? Why things happen to you? Maybe God is punishing you or you should have never been born? Well I used to think this way, there were many times that I cried out to God to please let me die, never to wake up again. I thought that the pain was so bad that I had to break. I believed that no human being could withstand so much hurt so much sadness, so much sickness. I wanted the world to end for me. I was not an asset to life I was a burden to it, what was my purpose?

My best friend put it in perspective for me. Bad things happen, and when it does if there is not someone to walk you through it your all alone, feeling desperate feeling like your at the end of your rope. But if you have someone to talk to someone who can relate it makes the journey easier. He told me that I am that person, that I have a way of talking to people of walking through things that help inspire. In sharing my experience it helps others that are going through it. Knowing I survived has given hope a light at the end of their tunnel.

So in walking through the fire I am able to give someone else only coals to bear and not the flame. In that I am thankful.

I did not live an easy life, but I put myself in those places in those situations and yet survived to come out the other side. Would I want to walk that same line again? Would in me not walking in those steps not of saved anyone? I wouldn't ever want to go through again what I went through, and yet i would Never Ever want anyone have to ever go down the same path and not have a hand to reach for. For I may not be a religious person but I believe in God and I believe that he works through people. He sends people to you at the right time. So where I thought God had to be cruel to allow bad things to happen I realized that God gave us free choice people hurt people not God but God sends people to help you walk through your ordeal or your illness or anything that your going through. What I have learned is that we are never alone, there is always someone out there that has felt the same , gone through the same, someone that understands. You would be amazed if you look around who God has put in your path to heal you or who is has put in your path for you to help heal.

Life is not defined in the bad things that happen, but you are defined in how you survive them. If bad things didn't happen I would not know what good looked like and vice versa. My life is beautiful because I have walked through the shadows and come out in the light

Yet I am Blessed

My life may have started off hard after 18 but what I do know is since I changed my perspective on things it has truly been blessed. I can thank the book "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman into opening my eyes to the truth of this world. I was so overwhelmed in what had happened and in what could happen that I forgot that the day I was in was passing by, leaving again more regret. What I have learned in this life is that the only day that I have is today, the only moment is the one that I am in. So when something bad happens I need to remember that it is only a moment in time the moment will pass the same with the good it is in that moment and it to shall pass.

Life is not about always being happy or always about being sad,  it is about LIVING. What can I do today to live, what is it that I am not seeing? Why am I so engrossed in self that I do not notice the beauty that is all around me.

I have had an amazing life in the last eight years have gotten to see the beauty of Hawaii the wilderness of Alaska. I have the ability to not worry and just go, just live. I have met the most amazing people and have learned that alone I can do anything.

The time is Now, not yesterday and not tomorrow, I chose to live it love it and make the most of what I have been given. I have never wanted to be planted in one place I have always wanted to see the world, and to know that my baby wants the same thing and she is going for it makes my heart soar, to know that there is so much that she wants to do for the good is a beautiful feeling knowing that I had no part in this that it is just in her amazes me.

Every morning I like to sit and hear the world around me and be thankful for the day for the blessings and the heartache. For in the heartache I learn who I am and it molds me into what I become. Every thing in this world has a purpose and it is not for me to know what that purpose is just to know that it is.
I am happy that my daughter showed me a place to write my thoughts, my feelings. It is the best diary ever.

I am blessed even in the bad moments, I am truly truly blessed.

What I missed

I was not Mother of the year, I was one heck of a horrible parent, if I wasn't sick doing chemo or some other treatment I was just being a complete idiot and making bad choices in my life. I always made decisions on the basis that I could not be alone, the truth was I could not stand to be alone because I would be stuck with me. I did not like me and I didn't think that others would either. I always felt like I did not quite measure up and what is funny is I have no idea to whom I didn't measure up too,, my expectations maybe.  I felt like I was alone in the world and didn't quite fit in to the mold that others were in. Like I was not from this world. I spent many years of my life wasted on depression instead of on living. I allowed the bad things that happened to me be the definition to me and because of that I became my own prisoner. I regret that it took so long to snap out of my bubble.

I missed the life of my Children heck I do not even really know them, and now I don't know where to start. We are so much alike and yet I had no hand in raising them, it amazes me. I wish that you could warn your children and have them not have to go through the same lessons but then I know that is how they grow. I have much respect for my Mother and my Ex Husband that raised my beautiful daughters for they amaze me.

I cannot change the past there is no rewind button to make everything better but what I can do is make myself available when they are ready to know who I am because that is my wish is to truly know them.

Today I am almost 9 years single and have not needed another to make me feel better, today I am comfortable with myself. Today there is no depression and I have chosen to live my life and not be a prisoner to it.. today I am free. Free from the bonds of depression from the past wrongs and past pain. Today I am me and am happy in what I see. My life today is the most amazing and it can only get better.
Last night I got to talk to my youngest and find out how similar that we were, to let her know that I know that I was not the Mother she needed I got to hear my daughter through reading her words in her blog in her heart I feel blessed that she would share the most intimate parts with me. So you see there is a lot that I have missed but there is so much more life that I won't.